My accomplishment of 2009

So the year is coming to a close. A lot has happened this year. I am sure there are more accomplishments I could list...and I may interrupt my babble with a few of them here and there as they pop into my head.
My main accomplishment this year was learning to trust in myself.
The year started out with the one year anniversary of Brandon's death. I took it in stride. I felt like I had so many other people to worry about, I had to make sure everyone else was okay. I had to make sure the kids remembered the good times, and even remembered what he looked like. I wanted to make sure my parents would make it through and come out on the other side of that momentous date with some kind of knowledge in their hearts that there were still three of us (plus many many more) here that would help them get through this. During the week of the one year mark, I learned that I can be strong. I learned to trust in my instinct of how people are feeling and when to stand quietly by and listen to the cries or to give words of comfort and support.
Soon after this I went through a very hard and emotional, personal time. I do not talk about it outside of myself and Wesley. It was a very heartbreaking and saddening thing to go through and even though nobody knows what I am actually talking about I have to say it gives me much more respect for mothers and for women in general. This time frame made me trust in my instincts much more. To trust my instincts about myself, my body and even my instincts as a mother.
Then May came around and Brandon's birthday was upon us. Yet another difficult time to go through and to feel the hard feelings of grief once again. This time around I learned to trust my emotions and to trust my motherly instincts.
In August my Dad had a heart attack. It really put a lot into perspective. To think that he could have possibly not been with us any longer was very frightening. Thankfully he is doing okay now. I learned to trust my heart (oddly enough). To trust how I feel.
Then the end of the summer rolls around. This is where my trust was severely rattled and things kind of fell apart. Wesley moved out of the house and lots of trust issues were broken and things just seemed to be going completely wrong. I even remembering saying that to myself one day: "this is just wrong". Things unfolded and I learned so much about my life.
Amazingly through all of this I have learned to trust how I feel, trust that I can do anything I put my mind to. I can be a strong, stable, honest person and that I can believe in myself as both a woman and a mother. I know that I can be a great person, I believe in myself and I trust in myself enough now to make that happen.
My next post will be about what I hope to accomplish in the next year. Lots of possibilities!

Vacation

Well School vacation is half done and things have been fairly busy! I have not gotten many pics because we have been so into things that I forget to get the camera out. The kids have really enjoyed all of their Christmas gifts and for the most part they have enjoyed being together. Aiden got a new Little Tykes basketball hoop that adjusts from 4-6 feet in height and it is currently set up in the kitchen. It is really a great place for it because it keeps him busy and he would not be able to play with it outside right now. He is really good at the highest height too! He likes to see what kind of trick shots he can do.
Calleigh has enjoyed playing with her Barbies and littlest Pet shop toys she got for Christmas. She also got a lot of makeup and dress up stuff that she has taken the liberty to make Riley her manequin (I will DEFINITELY be getting pics of that soon!).
Riley has really enjoyed his trucks and cars that he got. He also really loves his drum set. He has rarely left the stool to do much other than eat and sleep!
They all got an easel from Aunt Jan and Uncle Dave that I will be setting up in the kitchen once I can get all the cardboard and stuff out of there. They (Calleigh and Riley) will be at school tomorrow so hopefully it will be set up by the time they get home!
I am enjoying my new Keurig machine! I have some white hot chocolate, french vanilla coffee, caramel coffee, and breakfast blend coffee on it's way. I am really looking forward to it getting here to enjoy the yummy flavors.
The house is a huge mess, and the dishes are not getting done "on time" and the laundry pile is getting pretty high, but we are just enjoying each others company. The kids are doing well and they have seen Wesley off and on over the past week and they have gotten to play some new games and watch some new movies with Daddy. They really enjoy their time with Daddy. I think chutes and ladders is the favorite game for all of them.

Christmas 2009

This year was a bittersweet and much different Christmas for us. This was our second year without Brandon here with us and with all the stuff happening with our family. Wes did come over Christmas Eve after we got back from My Aunt's house for our traditional Family Christmas. He helped get the kids to bed and helped put out all of the gifts. He stayed overnight so he could be here to see the kids open gifts and see their reactions to everything. He was very surpirised that the kids got him a Mandolin and some DVD's to watch. We then went over to Tina's house where Marvin (he had spent the night over there to be with Mallory and to be there when we got there with the kids), Tina, and Mallory were to open gifts with them. We had a very nice sit down breakfast and had a good time. After sitting for a bit we left to go to Brenda's house to be with the Carpenter family. Aunt Jan, Uncle David, Uncle Paul, Corey and GG were all there from Florida. Everyone else was there as well and the young kids all had a great time running around and being crazy together. They sure kept all the adults on their toes.
After Brenda's house the kids and I left to come back to my house to meet my family for Christmas. It was very hard leaving Wesley at Brenda's house and coming back here without him. It was the first time in eight years he was not here for my family Christmas. That's kind of when it all hit me. I was leaving him there and coming here to a Christmas without Brandon. I had a much harder time this year without having Brandon here than I did last year, the first year. I had a bit of a moment to let it all out on the way home and then I was okay. We got back here and tidied up the living room and kitchen from earlier that morning and waited for Mom, Dad, Erin, Adam, Nathan, Liz and Dawn to get here. We had a pretty good time with all of them. We had hot cocoa and some yummy cookies too!

Here is a link to see all the pictures from our festvities CHristmas Eve and Christmas Day:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=182565&id=773622781&l=c61ab33eb1

We were very fortunate to be able to spend time with the family we have, this is a year I will not forget for so many reasons. I am so truly fortunate to have each and every one of you in my lives. Thank you for being here to support the kids and I through the many changes that have happened over the past two years. Much love to all family and friends.

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree

Frosty and Rudolph

The other night instead of going and doing our usual Friday night routine of dinner and then the store to get essentials and stuff we decided to stay home with some hot chocolate, popcorn and watch Frosty and Rudolph. It was a nice relaxing night and we even threw some M&M's in the popcorn for fun!

Unexpected

Although in the last two years I have come to expect the unexpected, somehow I am still never prepared when things seem to go awry.
I had a really great day on Friday. I got a lot accomplished, had a nice dinner with My Mom, the kids and my aunt and we went shopping. It was our normal Friday night routine. I was expecting to have a really great weekend. Saturday Wesley was going to be here with the kids after work and I was going to get a break away from the house. Then today we were going to get out Christmas tree with my Mom and decorate it.
Well nothing went as planned. Wesley was almost 3 hours late getting here because he was killing a cow with some friends and I guess it had to be done yesterday. SO I did not get to leave until almost 5 to get out of the house. At that point I was irritated but determined not to let it get in the way of a good night. I picked up Tina and went with her to pick up Calleigh's Christmas present and do a little more shopping. I did end up finishing my Christmas shopping for the kids and Tina got some shopping done for them as well. Today the kids wanted to watch a movie that Wes had bought them, but out of 4 DVD players, none would work for some reason. Did I mention my horrible luck with electronics? SO I decided we would make some paper snowflakes and have Hot Chocolate. That didn't happen either.
I got a call from my sister saying that my Mom had been taken by ambulance from the Price Chopper in Essex. So I immediatly made some phone calls and found Brenda to bring the kids to her so I could make my way to the hospital. My mom was having these problems with her entire body where she would get all tingly from head to toe and get basically unresponsive and glazed over. At first they thought she may have had a blood clot around her heart somewhere, but it turns out there is something wrong with her pancreas and they ended up sending her home. She has to do some follow up this week but hopefully things will get somewhat better soon.
Then I got back here with the kids just around dinnertime and man were they cranky! No nap and lots of running around with Jake and Cooper at Brenda's house. So we had a quick dinner and they went to bed early.
No, the weekend has not gone as expected, but the week will bring new opportunities and I'm sure new challanges as well, but we will get through them all and all with a smile on our face.

My new purse

I am so excited, Lindsey just dropped off my new purse and it is adorable! I am so excited I decided to splurge on myself and buy it when I went to Lindsey's Madison Purse Party. It is a home party where you can go and design your own personal and unique bag. I LOVE it! And I am also realizing I must have a thing for circles because my purse resmebles my rug a little bit LOL!

Meet the world Sally.

We were given the Elf on the shelf as a gift last year and the kids loved reading the book about Santa's elf that magically appears every morning in a different spot after leaving when they go to sleep and reporting to the big guy how they behaved during the day. Last year they decided to name her Sally. Sally was a part of our family for 27 days and she reported every night to Santa and every morning she was in some pretty crazy spots. Last year we even found her watching from inside the vacuum cleaner :)
This year has been a pretty crazy year and we got a late start. Last night we brought out the book and read Sally's story to remind us how it works and to remind us not to touch her or the magic will be gone and she won't be able to make anymore trips to see Santa. When the kids woke up this morning, the first thing they did was run around and look for Sally. Well they found her hiding in a perfect spot to get all the info of the day soaked in!

Getting through it.

Sometimes Life can be quite the roller coaster. It goes up and down, forward, backward and even throws you for a loop every now and then. I never expected myself to be where I am right now. I have come to the conclusion that I can only do so much for others to keep them on the right track. They are going to make their choices and they are the ones that are going to have to deal with those consequences, whether they like them or not. That's the thing about hard times and bad choices.....the consequences aren't all fun and games. On the other hand, if you are patient, positive and level headed then you will be the one to come out on top and be able to hold your head up high knowing that you have done all that you could do to make the right decision for yourself and for your kids. I will get through this and I will be happy for myself and my kids. They deserve the best parts of all that I can give them, and I'm not talking money or material things. I'm talking about the hug after a long day at school, the book that they really want to read even when I have a million things that I 'need' to get done, the pride in their eyes as they help me make dinner or a special dessert, and the understanding that they need to be kids while they can be kids and get every giggle in while they can. A giggle is the greatest sound.

reflection of Christmas past.

I sat here tonight and thought back to Christmas two years ago. Things just seemed to be so much simpler and so "right" back then. Brandon was still with us, we had Riley's baptism and Brandon was named Riley's Godfather. My family was still intact, still complete. Things have changed so much in the last two years. Christmas has always been my favorite time of year and I am going to keep that in mind this year as I mourn so many losses in so many ways. I still have my three wonderful and amazing children here to celebrate with me and I will embrace that as long as I have it.